“…Any guidance on how to ensure that my daughter will value (or at least not devalue) her skin color/her differences/herself?  P.S., she’s only 3 years old, so I can’t get too deep …yet!  Thanks for your advice.” –L.B., Chicago.  

Dear L.B.,

Thinking about concepts like these often lead to more questions than complete answers.  As the update for my friend’s Facebook relationship status says, “It’s complicated.”  Because you asked the question above,  I am confident that you are already on a path that supports your daughter in being a racially healthy pre-schooler.  Given that, I will share three suggestions that will support you in your efforts:

1.   Nurture self-worth.

This is an opportunity to think about the values you convey to your daughter.  How do you rate your daughter’s or others worth?  Is it based on physical appearance or race?  Or is it based on character and behavior?  How are skin color and other physical attributes like hair assessed in your home?  

I have a relative who always reflects on the hurtful statement she heard growing up, “You are so pretty to be dark.” Can you imagine what that might mean to a child?  In my relative’s case it conveyed that dark was not supposed to be beautiful.  Despite her obvious physical and inner beauty, she could not find the courage to believe anyone who complimented her for years.  Ensure that others around your daughter, like extended family understand what nurturing looks, sounds, and behaves like.  

Children who are raised in a nurturing environment where they feel supported, valued, and loved have the best chance of developing a positive self-image.  It’s important for children to feel positive personal esteem in order to feel positive racial esteem.

2.   Follow your child’s lead.

Unless your daughter raises a question or initiates conversation about skin color, be careful about bringing it up at such a young age. Once they do, (and they will), be sure to follow their lead.  However, young children do not think about race in the same way as adults.  They won’t understand race as a social construct. For them skin color is related to the crayon box.  If your child does ask or initiate conversation about race, it’s important to understand what she is asking.  

One day while driving, my daughter was in the back seat and found something under the seat.  Once she could see it in full view she exclaimed, “It’s the white girl!”  My mind was racing and I could not figure out why she described a doll this way because we generally don’t use racial descriptors to describe people (unless it is relevant).  Like most parents I got really uncomfortable that my child had made an observation about race (or so I thought).  Most of us are taught that talking about race is rude (mostly if you are Caucasian) or that you don’t talk about it around others (mostly if you are a Person of Color).  

I calmly asked her to tell me about the doll.  She said the doll under her seat had on an all white dress. Oh!  If I had not checked out my assumptions I may have been talking to her about something that completely had no relevance for her and could have possibly conveyed that her future questions about race were out of line.  

If your daughter does initiate conversation about skin color (or any marker of differences), absolutely respond to her questions calmly and in a supportive manner.

3.   Give away childhood baggage.

I always encourage parents to be aware of the impact their own experiences may have on their children’s learning about skin color (and all markers of differences).    While I was growing up there were many things that happened to me and my family based on race and color.  I won’t go into details now, but because of those experiences I quickly came to believe that race was THE most important thing about me for a long time (with gender closely following).  Sometimes when “things” occur, I am very careful to check out my feelings and ideas to ensure that I am not making my experiences around color or gender my daughter’s experience.  

Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you think more about these concepts:  

• How comfortable am I in my own skin?  
• If I am comfortable, how does this translate through my actions and conversation with or around my daughter?  
• How might it not translate?  
• If I am not comfortable with my own skin color, how might I be translating this through my actions and conversations with or around my daughter?  
• What types of people, if any make me most self-conscious about my own skin color?  
• Why or why not?  

These questions may seem innocuous but I suspect the answers may provide some insight that may help you as you move along the continuum of parenting a racially healthy pre-schooler.